My Preciousssssss

I am not perfect.

Well duh you might be saying but it is a pretty real admission for me and has left me in a zen like state. Maybe that is the sugar, but we will get to that.

As an adult I have been very driven in all my chosen challenges. When I decide to do something and really commit, it gets done. Knitting, triathlons, painting; all these things I committed to, taught myself how to do them and have achieved my goals. Even losing weight and getting healthier I have conquered through research, blood, sweat and tears. I knew intellectually that I wasn't perfect and wouldn't rock everything I did but I was hit right in the face with my imperfection this weekend.

As you may have already guessed I ate sugar this weekend. I am currently eating a piece of chocolate cake with sprinkles. Eating it on a different level of the house than my children no less.  Not because I don't want them to see my imperfection solely because I don't want to share.

Don't have pity for me or have delusions that I just slipped, I didn't trip and fall into the cake. I wasn't at a party and peer pressured. It was a calculated choice that started at the store where I bought the ingredients for a gluten free chocolate cake. I would like to say that the sugar monster took over and I just couldn't help myself but that wasn't the case. I would like to say that I didn't look like Gollum holding his "precious" when I picked up the cake mix, but as my husband wouldn't come down the aisle to be near me that might not be the case either.
I saw my drug dealer, saw him for what he was and chose to continue with my addiction. I was three days clean and felt great when it mattered, training, even turned in my best run and bike time ever.

There were positives happening and I could see them. There were negatives too, it wasn't all happy little trees. I was angry most of those three days, headachey, and except when I was biking and running felt pretty miserable.
No matter the positive or the negative ways I was feeling I chose the way of addiction.

When thin people talk about heavy people I often hear, "Just put the fork down". As long as we are being honest I am sure I have thought this if not said this.
 Food is an addiction both physical and mental. It is sometimes damn near impossible to make the healthy choice because your hormones and mental blocks keep you in the cycle. This isn't excuses, as you know how I feel about them, there are hardcore scientific research experiments to support foods addictive properties especially sugar. In layman's terms: dopamine, the happy hormone, gets released into your brain when you eat sugar. The longer you eat it the more you need to eat to get that hormone released. It is ugly and a hard addiction to break.

I am not letting myself feel guilt this time and maybe that is why I feel so zen at the moment. I am headed to the gym today at 4:30 to recommit and center myself.
If you are struggling with any sort of addiction, seek help. Most strong addictions require more than your will power. Even if it is just a group of people you can talk about things honestly, talk about it.
I am not comparing sugar to heroin but it is my beast to slay. Quitting sugar has been harder for me than quitting cigarettes.

I am still fighting the good fight and will do my best everyday. Sometimes my best just isn't 100%.



http://www.webmd.com/diet/ss/slideshow-sugar-addiction