I am going to talk about something that people don't like to talk about. Failure, more specifically fitness failure. The big scary thing that happens and nobody talks about it on popular blogs,TV spots or dinner parties. That thing that happens when you succeed in your fitness goals and them back slide right back to where you were and have to start again.
Fitness failure is a slow process that escalates and before you know it you are back to only one pair of jeans that fits and baggy shirts when just a little while ago you SWORE on your mama you would NEVER go back to "that" size again.
Here is the thing, it happens, and it is worse then when you first started down your goal to fitness. You have tasted success, had people support you and tell you how great you look and then ...................I don't even know what happens, what triggers the down spiral.
Failure started this time for me with an injury, a birth control change, followed by a booze filled holiday season that turned into being lazy and then"hey its June and you have gained forty five pounds" .
I was in the pool yesterday swimming laps for the first time in over a year and had to stop every lap to breathe. All I could think was "last year I could swim a half mile in 14 minutes". It was demoralizing and soul crushing to hear in my own gasping breath how far I had gone in the opposite direction. As I back stroked to catch my breath I wondered how many other people struggle with the terrible feeling that comes with failing at being fit and staying fit.
We don't like to talk about this......for so many reasons but I think the main two are it makes us sad and embarrassed.
I know I have "started" a new "lifestyle" at least six times in my adult life. As a person with a binge eating disorder this has taken many forms, some healthy some not so much. HCG, OA(overeaters anonymous), three a day workouts, primal/paleo eating, only eating chicken and broccoli, any number of beach body programs{insert other crazy diets and excessive exercise programs here}. Nothing has been forever and I think that is because none of it has been what I wanted or what I thought I could really maintain. It was always done with a deadline in the back of my mind and some unrealistic goal out as my carrot.
I live in a society that values being young and desirable over any other quality. Sexy is packaged into a matching bra and panties set that has a flat stomach in between. I can't even remember if I had matching underwear before kids, or a flat midsections for that matter, but I certainly don't now, and this makes me hate myself.
Here is the truth, I am 5'4" (and 1/2 but the husband always giggles when I include the half), I will never walk the runway in a matching bra and panties set. I have to adjust my thinking about myself if I ever want to be happy and healthy.
This time when I am starting over, again, I am not trying to be
someone else, I am going to try to be healthy for me. Try to see the
things I can do and am doing. Set goals that are not size or weight
related but that will push me to be healthy and most of all love myself in my current state not hold out feeling accomplished until I hit a certain size/weight.
I can play ice hockey, I can dance a zumba class with a friend, I can take an accidental tabata class and not die, I can take walks with my kids, hike in the beautiful state I live in, do fun mud runs and so many other amazing things.
I am done being sad and embarrassed. I am embracing this "again" and hoping to change my thinking to change my life. I will let you know how it goes.
I have shared so many successes it didn't seem right to ignore and not share my failures and restarts as well.
I don't know how it happens either. I say I'm awesome at losing weight because, hey, I can Nazi through those few terrible months of torture and lose the amount I want, but I'm horrible at maintaining that weight. Now, I'm eating kinda paleo (I say that because I still eat some packaged foods--hello sour cream and onion lay's and trail mix from sam's--but mainly I eat meat and veggies. I believe carbs are the devil, btw.) and I have joined a gym. Gasp!
ReplyDeleteI hate gyms, but I like this one. The lighting is soft and colored so I feel like I'm going into a spa. Plus I go in the afternoon and it's not crowded. I only do 2-4 minutes on the bike or elliptical to warm up and then I go to the machines and lift the heaviest weight I can 10 times. I'm in and out in 20 minutes (unless someone and their PT are hogging the machines and gossiping--rarely happens, but when it does, I see red). I refuse to spend hours in a gym, even one as serene as this one. So, I'm doing small things that I like and hopefully, since I like them, I'll keep doing them. I'm old enough now not to do things I don't want to do. :) So, I don't. I will not say I'm on a diet or exercise program, because I don't want the pressure. Without expectation there is no disappointment. I don't expect to lose weight so it's a bonus if I do. My goal is to be strong. If I eat a whole bag of chips in one day or don't lift weights that day, well, I'll just do better next time. No big deal. Can't change the past. Have a pity party and move on.
I too would like to have a flat stomach, but I realized something at the beach last week. Little kids run around in bikinis with their stomachs poking out and nobody thinks anything about it. I chose to do the same. I ran around in my bikini one day (bravery only comes once a week, evidently) with my stomach poking out and my husband said I was gorgeous. I may wear my bikini every day now. :) jk. And, if anyone dares to say something derogatory to me, they will probably get kicked in the shin with my boots or worse, because for some reason, I'll just let it fly now.
We can do so many things now. I'm trying to eat well and become more active so that I can continue to do the things I like in 50 years. That's my only reason.
That's my way of thinking right now. I hope it helps that you are not alone. I don't know why self-acceptance is so hard. I mean, I'm not that hard on my friends, but I tend to be critical of myself. But, I also suffer from some sort of dementia I believe, because when I look in the mirror, I think I'm da bomb and I'll strut around like a VS model. Then, when I see pictures of me, I'm like WTF? Did someone steal my camera and photoshop me a size 30 body and double chin? It's really unsettling.
I love you, Kitty, and there's so much more to you than your body. Everyone's bodies--they are just the vehicles of our minds and souls. I wish we could all see that more clearly. Even though I know that, there are still dark days when I forget.
Stay strong, my friend. Warrior.