Starting Over Again and Again and Again

I am going to talk about something that people don't like to talk about. Failure, more specifically fitness failure. The big scary thing that happens and nobody talks about it on popular blogs,TV spots or dinner parties. That thing that happens when you succeed in your fitness goals and them back slide right back to where you were and have to start again.
Fitness failure is a slow process that escalates and before you know it you are back to only one pair of jeans that fits and baggy shirts when just a little while ago you SWORE on your mama you would NEVER go back to "that" size again.
Here is the thing, it happens, and it is worse then when you first started down your goal to fitness. You have tasted success, had people support you and tell you how great you look and then ...................I don't even know what happens, what triggers the down spiral.
Failure started this time for me with an injury, a birth control change, followed by a booze filled holiday season that turned into being lazy and then"hey its June and you have gained forty five pounds" .
I was in the pool yesterday swimming laps for the first time in over a year and had to stop every lap to breathe. All I could think was "last year I could swim a half mile in 14 minutes". It was demoralizing and soul crushing to hear in my own gasping breath how far I had gone in the opposite direction. As I back stroked to catch my breath I wondered how many other people struggle with the terrible feeling that comes with failing at being fit and staying fit.
We don't like to talk about this......for so many reasons but I think the main two are it makes us sad and embarrassed.
I know I have "started" a new "lifestyle" at least six times in my adult life. As a person with a binge eating disorder this has taken many forms, some healthy some not so much. HCG, OA(overeaters anonymous), three a day workouts, primal/paleo eating, only eating chicken and broccoli, any number of beach body programs{insert other crazy diets and excessive exercise programs here}. Nothing has been forever and I think that is because none of it has been what I wanted or what I thought I could really maintain. It was always done with a deadline in the back of my mind and some unrealistic goal out as my carrot.
I live in a society that values being young and desirable over any other quality. Sexy is packaged into a matching bra and panties set that has a flat stomach in between. I can't even remember if I had matching underwear before kids, or a flat midsections for that matter, but I certainly don't now, and this makes me hate myself. 
Here is the truth, I am 5'4" (and 1/2 but the husband always giggles when I include the half), I will never walk the runway in a matching bra and panties set. I have to adjust my thinking about myself if I ever want to be happy and healthy.
This time when I am starting over, again, I am not trying to be someone else, I am going to try to be healthy for me. Try to see the things I can do and am doing. Set goals that are not size or weight related but that will push me to be healthy and most of all love myself in my current state not hold out feeling accomplished until I hit a certain size/weight.
I can play ice hockey, I can dance a zumba class with a friend, I can take an accidental tabata class and not die, I can take walks with my kids, hike in the beautiful state I live in, do fun mud runs and so many other amazing things.
 I am done being sad and embarrassed. I am embracing this "again" and hoping to change my thinking to change my life. I will let you know how it goes.
I have shared so many successes it didn't seem right to ignore and not share my failures and restarts as well.

Celebrate Who You Are Now

I recently had the enormous pleasure and opportunity to take a girls trip with my best friend. We went to San Francisco and had seriously the most amazing experiences. We didn't rent a car and walked everywhere which gave us such a feel for the city. We met so many amazing people and had such great experiences. Often when you take a trip like that there is a misstep here or there, a bad dinner, a bad bar etc but not on this trip. It was serendipitous. Everything was amazing, if expensive, but still amazing.

We ate and drank. Drank and ate, and shopped.
The shopping is what I want to talk to you about.
We stopped in a ton of shops and tried on clothes. Everything I tried on was cute and affordable(ish)  but in my mind I kept thinking "man, in five to ten pounds this will really look great. I won't get it now I will wait to buy new stuff till I lose a little more."
To my best friends credit she told me I looked amazing and to buy a couple of things (even if our tastes are completely different).
Now sitting at home bathing the kids and thinking about the trip the thing I regret is not buying that damn dress.
It had cut outs on the side and was a summery dress. It had a long flowy see through top skirt and a short black mini skirt under it. I looked good in it and would have stopped traffic in it in about 10 more pounds.

I realize now that I need to stop living in the future where I "look better, leaner, weigh less, have more confidence" and start living in the now.

Yes, I continue to get healthier each month. I will end up smaller than I am now. However, I will never be back in San Fran with my best friend with the opportunity to buy a kick ass dress that looked great on me.
My own body issues and fear kept me from buying that dress and I regret it.

Love what you are now ladies and gentleman and celebrate it. You can always hire a tailor to take in a great dress if you lose a ton of weight. You can always wear a jacket over a summer dress until it is summer.
You can not, however, get back the experience of buying something you really like with someone you really love.
We spend so much time thinking about the body we want and need to spend time loving the body we have.
I am trying to do this and I invite you to do it with me.

Love yourself and celebrate your journey. You might be smaller and healthier later down the line but you will never be you in this moment again.

My Husband Can't Lie

My husband can't lie. He is terrible at it. I mean really bad at it. It isn't in his nature to think of something devious even if it will help him. He once admitted to a ref "yes sir I did kick that guy in the head" got him suspended for a game. Damn man.
When we were getting ready to move from Phoenix to Denver the hubs was the one who was in Denver searching for rental places. I had a couple of school systems that were acceptable but that was the only direction I gave. OH and a big tub, I needed a good school system and a big tub.

He found a beautiful house near some of his college friends that were already in Denver. It met all the requirements and was nearly a brand new house.
"Yes please get that house", I frantically e-mailed him back. "It is PERFECT". Vision's of relaxing evenings on the back porch watching the kids play followed by long soaks in the giant tub floating through my head!

He called me later and advised we couldn't rent that house. I didn't understand because our credit was great and we had all the down payment money ready to hand over. I asked him why.

"Because we have a german shepherd."
I was so angry, Beau our white german shepherd doesn't even look like a german shepherd to most people. I asked why hadn't he just fibbed and said he was a mixed breed, they wouldn't know. I mean it isn't like he is papered or anything.

"I don't lie Kitty."

Damn man and his morals.

He found a house.....ah this house. It has three floors and has a poor lay out. The basement floods when it rains and there are three yards to take care of. I could live with all of that but there is only a tiny tub.

I was angry when we moved in. Climbing those stairs with a baby and laundry was and is ridiculous!

Then I met the women I now call friends. Some through Hal's school and some through Mom's club of Aurora. I cherish them and have had so many great life experiences because of them in just the short 1.5 years we have lived here.

 Had we gotten the first house I am sure I would have made friends and good ones. I am pretty likeable and only slightly vain.

Had we gotten the first house I can almost guarentee I wouldn't have run a 5k, or a triathlon, or discovered painting is fun and I am half way decent at it. I wouldn't have discovered that women make amazing friends when you find the right ones.

My mother used to tell me that your college friends are the ones that you will have forever. When I came out of college I didn't have many friends that I still talked to. I spent the 10 years after college cycling through friendships and learning how to be a friend. I was REALLY bad at it. I formally apologize to anyone I was friends with from the ages 10-30.

I speak a lot about how friendship is an amazing part of my life and it can get old but I am so overcome with the friendships I am making at an older age.

Thanks for those of you who stuck it out and are still friends with me through it all. You lot are few and far between but responsible for helping me learn what it meant to be a good friend. Thanks to those of you who are new to my life and teaching me so many wonderful things.

Most of all thanks to my husband and his damn morals.

Lessons From Year One

Three of the Things I Have Learned in One Year of Training

I started training for a triathlon Sept 2012. I owe my health and current happiness, in at least a small part, to two awesome ladies I am lucky enough to call friends, Shayna and Ally. They casually asked me if I wanted to do a triathlon with them in 2013. Part of my resolutions that year had been to say yes to new experiences so I said yes. It is funny how one question can change you on so many different levels.
 I also have to thank them for continuing to be my friend even when I became totally obsessed with training and asked 9 million questions! Seriously I am sure there were discussion about how crazy I was (am).
 I have learned a lot in this last year of training. More than I could ever put into one blog post but I wanted to share some of the highlights with you.

1. Running is hard. That's it. Seriously, it is hard and it hurts but it is worth every gasping breath. I had never run before in my life when I started last September. I ran a 16 minute mile and thought I was going to die. I did throw up once or twice at the begining. I would like to say that I love running now but I don't. I might one day. I am leaving the option open to becoming "more than frenemies" with that part of my sport but I am not sure. Here is the big lesson for me: It is o.k. to not like part of your training. I always feel amazing after a run and I have gotten better and will continue to get better. I think the love/hate I have actually helps me never take for granted how hard it is for someone who is just starting out. I can currently run an 11 minute mile so I am slowly and steadily improving.

2. Being around all women is an amazing experience. My second triathlon of the season was an all women event. If I am being honest here, and I really try to be honest, I have never really liked women. I found them to be catty, underhanded, hurtful in a nice way and really just all around bitchy to other women. I have found in this year that being around women who have the same fitness goals and asperations as you is an uplifting and inspiring experience. I was running, shuffling really, at the end of the triathlon and I had women blowing past me but every 2 out of 3 of them took the time and the extra effort to give me a "great job" or "way to go". If you can imagine, or have done, a half mile open water swim, 13.1 mile bike ride and then a 5k you can understand how precious your air and energy are. For them to give me encouragement, take some of their energy and air and spend it on me,  truly brings me to tears everytime I think about it.
My advice: find a group of people who lift you up and support you. Your determination will take you very far but there will be times when you need a "atta girl (boy)".

3. Don't judge. This seems to be my yearly lesson in 2013. In my first race I saw a heavy set girl and thought "heck yeah. I am leaner than her and she is in my division I can totally beat her. That's my goal, stay in front of her". I judged her based on nothing other than her size. Yes, that makes me a horrible person, hey I never claimed to be perfect.
I stayed with her in the swim, we were actually swim drafting buddies.
I saw her in the bike transition area.
Then I never saw her again. Wait not true, I saw her in the pictures of the race a week later.
She was standing on the 1st place podium for my division.
It was humbling and more than uncomfortable for me to realize what I had thought about her and how wrong I was.  She could have just had a baby 2 weeks before the race, she could have a glandular problem, hell she could just be super fast and big. I have no idea where people are on their fitness journey. It isn't my place to judge.
I am trying to judge less. Trying to be more supportive and learn from other peoples journeys.


I am excited about the year to come. I have added weight training and look to get faster and stronger in my triathlons next year. I also look to judge less and learn more.
Happy training all.

My Preciousssssss

I am not perfect.

Well duh you might be saying but it is a pretty real admission for me and has left me in a zen like state. Maybe that is the sugar, but we will get to that.

As an adult I have been very driven in all my chosen challenges. When I decide to do something and really commit, it gets done. Knitting, triathlons, painting; all these things I committed to, taught myself how to do them and have achieved my goals. Even losing weight and getting healthier I have conquered through research, blood, sweat and tears. I knew intellectually that I wasn't perfect and wouldn't rock everything I did but I was hit right in the face with my imperfection this weekend.

As you may have already guessed I ate sugar this weekend. I am currently eating a piece of chocolate cake with sprinkles. Eating it on a different level of the house than my children no less.  Not because I don't want them to see my imperfection solely because I don't want to share.

Don't have pity for me or have delusions that I just slipped, I didn't trip and fall into the cake. I wasn't at a party and peer pressured. It was a calculated choice that started at the store where I bought the ingredients for a gluten free chocolate cake. I would like to say that the sugar monster took over and I just couldn't help myself but that wasn't the case. I would like to say that I didn't look like Gollum holding his "precious" when I picked up the cake mix, but as my husband wouldn't come down the aisle to be near me that might not be the case either.
I saw my drug dealer, saw him for what he was and chose to continue with my addiction. I was three days clean and felt great when it mattered, training, even turned in my best run and bike time ever.

There were positives happening and I could see them. There were negatives too, it wasn't all happy little trees. I was angry most of those three days, headachey, and except when I was biking and running felt pretty miserable.
No matter the positive or the negative ways I was feeling I chose the way of addiction.

When thin people talk about heavy people I often hear, "Just put the fork down". As long as we are being honest I am sure I have thought this if not said this.
 Food is an addiction both physical and mental. It is sometimes damn near impossible to make the healthy choice because your hormones and mental blocks keep you in the cycle. This isn't excuses, as you know how I feel about them, there are hardcore scientific research experiments to support foods addictive properties especially sugar. In layman's terms: dopamine, the happy hormone, gets released into your brain when you eat sugar. The longer you eat it the more you need to eat to get that hormone released. It is ugly and a hard addiction to break.

I am not letting myself feel guilt this time and maybe that is why I feel so zen at the moment. I am headed to the gym today at 4:30 to recommit and center myself.
If you are struggling with any sort of addiction, seek help. Most strong addictions require more than your will power. Even if it is just a group of people you can talk about things honestly, talk about it.
I am not comparing sugar to heroin but it is my beast to slay. Quitting sugar has been harder for me than quitting cigarettes.

I am still fighting the good fight and will do my best everyday. Sometimes my best just isn't 100%.



http://www.webmd.com/diet/ss/slideshow-sugar-addiction

The Origin of #Noexcuses

I started running in late September of 2012. I hadn't run a mile since the 9th grade fitness test and I wasn't the last runner across the finish line but I was in the back of the pack for sure.

The reason for the sudden interest in running was that I met two wonderful ladies when I moved to Denver, Shayna and Ally, and they invited me to join them in a triathlon in August of 2013. I had been biking, I considered myself a good swimmer and I thought "hey how hard can running be".

Good night and cheese and crackers is running hard. It is my weakest of the three events and I have been working on it every week since September last year. I have slowly taken my mile time from 14 minutes to 10:55 but I still struggle every time I have to do a run workout.

I was scheduled to do a run workout January 12th of this year and I didn't yet have a gym membership to use a treadmill. For those who don't live in Denver, January can range from the 70's to the negatives in temperature range. This day was in the negatives all morning, I had gotten dressed in my running clothes and I was waiting for it to reach 10 degrees Fahrenheit before I would even consider opening the door.

I told my husband that I was waiting on it to warm up to 10 to go out and run and he jokingly said "No excuses babe." He meant it as a joke, he meant that it was way too cold and that only a crazy person would go run in that weather, he meant it to let me off the hook and to make me feel better.

For some reason it made me angry,  blood boiling angry. How dare he try and let me off the hook was my first thought followed closely by well damn it is an excuse and then what IS the difference really in 3 and 10 degrees, a measly 7 degrees, cold is cold people.

I laced up my shoes and ran. My time was slow, I only went a mile and a half, my fingers hurt they were so cold but I felt amazing once I thawed. I hadn't made excuses and sat on the couch and watched t.v. I had challenged myself and won.

I realized that my life up to the point of getting really serious about my health had been a series of excuses. You know them, I am sure you have said them from time to time:
I don't have time
Eating right is expensive
I can't take time away from my kids, husband, family, cat, dog, grandma, etc
I am happy-ish with my current fitness level and weight
Just to name a few of my top excuses from time gone by.


Here is the thing, you are worth it, excuses are just excuses. The only reason to not be moving your body towards better health is injury and even then there are things you can do.
Take the time to be the best you. You deserve it.
No excuses my friends.

No excuses

I have been trying to live a more conscious of my health lifestyle for over a year now. I have lost just over 75 pounds and have changed the way I think about food and exercise completely. I have had a consciousness shift and it is amazing and overwhelming sometimes.

There are many things that lead to my change and I will write about them in the days and months to follow. Some of them were being diagnosed with Celiac disease, almost reaching 250lbs, moving to a new state.

I am in no way an expert. I am just trying my best everyday like everyone else.

I am moving towards a new way of eating which is called primal/paleo. I hate that label because I am not out with a spear hunting down bison or forgoing deodorant. I am eating mostly meats, fruits, vegetables and no grains. I still eat carbs just good clean carbs such as potatoes, wild rice, and quinoa.

Today I gave up the last of my processed evils; SUGAR. As a child my nickname was "sugar bags" because I always had bags of candy with me where ever I went. I have continued the love affair with sugar all the way to my 34th year. I decided that this year was the year to quit.

Sugar is quite frankly an addiction and I have tried to quit before and failed. One thing I am doing this time is taking a picture of my face every day since quitting sugar. I have read and researched and sugar is bad for you on so many levels one of those being it speeds up the aging process. So I am hoping by takeing pictures and hopefully seeing some improvement it will be easy to keep not eating it.

That is all for now. I have trained my brain to think in face book posts. I was telling a friend that I can be cute and witty for a paragraph but when it has to be longer some of my magic dissipates. So here is hoping I can learn to think like a writer and don't bore you all to death! (all 4 of you :).

Here is a great article my friend sent to me about how bad sugar is for you to help me remember why I have decided to concur this addiction (Thanks Stacie!)

http://www.rodalenews.com/sugar-health-effects?cm_mmc=ETNTNL-_-1376374-_-07272013-_-SugarEffects-hed